Though He Slay Me: On Disappointments and Having an Honest Heart Before God
If I’m being honest, it’s been a disappointing season, friends. If you know me, you know that I can only be brutally truthful with my heart. It’s been a long and weary season. And maybe you’re experiencing the same?
I’ve heard from a lot of people in my inner circle over the last few months about so many misunderstandings, spiritual attacks, and just a never-ending list of growing pains. In my life, it has just been a series of deep wounds and disappointments. Every time I feel like I am coming up for air, something else comes out of nowhere to steal my peace and drown me again in an ocean of despair. And every time, I just turn to God and praise Him through the pain. And keep trusting. And keep walking. I keep prophesying my praise for situations that won’t turn around.
But sometimes, I just want to sit on the couch and cry and give up. I do. And it’s in those times that the Lord brings me to Job.
Job’s Plight
Now I’m not going to be dramatic and say my life is like Job’s. It’s not. Unlike Job, I haven’t lost my home and family and health and wealth. I’ve just been holding onto promises from God that over and over and over again appear the opposite in the natural. God keeps speaking to me about things that just seem like they will never change, never move, never come to pass.
And every time something in my life seems to prove that God is wrong, that He is not good, that He is teasing me—I have to cast those thoughts out and renew my mind in Christ (Romans 12:2).
But it’s exhausting. After a year of the same nothing, it’s quite frustrating. I have been given so many reasons to doubt and distrust—but in the same breath, how could I truly have a revelation of what Jesus did for me on the cross and not trust His word? And not believe in His goodness? Don’t I have more evidence that God is faithful than evidence that He’s not?
So I’ve been reading Job. Because I feel dramatic and Job is a little dramatic and it makes me feel better.
If you haven’t read Job, I invite you to do so. It’s really long and feels repetitive, but it is gold at the end.
Job’s Distress (Chapters 1-3)
Job’s Defense (Chapters 4-47)
Job’s Deliverance (Chapters 38-42)
A Major Misunderstanding
One of my favorite parts of this book is a verse that has reverberated, rent-free in my head most days this autumn:
Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
Now imagine my sadness to learn one of my beloved scriptures, Job 13:15, is a bad translation (thanks KJV!). Translators debate and blah blah over the Hebrew, but here’s another translation that your Bible probably footnotes: Behold, He will slay me; I have no hope; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
Seems pretty polar opposite, right?
I’ve read a lot of commentaries about it and listened to scholars argue and pontificate, and then I just took it to the Holy Spirit because I wasn’t satisfied with man’s answer. And to me, it still holds the same weight either way.
Job is saying that if God were to kill him, he would go to God in heaven and argue with Him there. He would die and still be pleading his case with God. And honestly, that’s more comforting to me! It’s honest. It’s an honest outcry of confusion and disappointment.
How could a good God allow this to happen to me? What have I done? Haven’t I served you faithfully? Job cries out across the book.
Friends, we have to be honest with God to receive His healing. We have to tell Him how we truly feel. He already knows. And He will respond. Just read Job 38-41.
“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?”
God proceeds to tell Job of His sovereignty for several chapters, and Job begins to understand in Job 42. It’s really powerful, and I definitely recommend you read it.
A Simple Truth
Though you may feel that God is making a fool of you or a laughingstock like Job, I can say with full certainty that no matter your situation, God will get the glory. He will not let your face be put to shame (Psalm 25:3). He is a good God with good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11). That is the Truth that reverberates throughout the ages.
“I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. “Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge.” Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
So if your situation is not good, let God turn it around in His timing. If your heart is crying out in pain, let God bring His new mercies. If your body is broken, let the God of healing open heaven above you.
God is good and His mercies endure forever (Psalm 100:5). You can put your hope in that. You can trust in that. You can be disappointed and in pain—and yet, you can put your hope in Him.
And where could we go from His presence anyway?
“Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
Time and time again, this is where I find myself. Where can I go God? If you are not with me, I’m not going (Exodus 33:14). There’s nowhere else for me to go except wherever you are leading.
So friends, let us be led by the Lord, through the valley, over the mountain, in darkness and in light, let us praise Him all the way there. Our journies are just getting started. Though life may come against you, yet you can hope in God. Be encouraged, you’re not alone. You have a God who fights with you (Deuteronomy 20:4), who shouts over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17), and bottles every tear (Psalm 56:8).
ELISE LAKEY
Elise is a writer, artist, and photographer based out of Nashville, TN. She’s the founder of Garden Theology and seeks to help all gardeners-in-training come to their full purpose in God. When she’s not writing, you can find her playing in the dirt, snuggling her cats, or weaving tapestries.
